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ohmygosh connor.
you make me feel soooo.

we had a weird weekend with Katy. i was in supermassive fear so supermassive that he was going to judge me and stop liking me and things were fucked.
and i finally got over to his house last night for our sunday night sleepover and we were alone together for the first time in some days. he was acting weird and had been for the last day. and he had texted me he wanted to meditate.
so my beautiful honey in his baseball cap and his zip up, we went into the field in the park by his house and found the middle and we sat cross legged next to eachother facing this big bright moon. i just looked it up- it was a full moon. and he told me (it was so hard for him to get out) that mike had suggested he talk to me about this. that he was extremely insecure and gets jealous even though he knows it's his own shit and that i didn't do anything wrong but that he got jealous when i was chatting with this new guy after GYP on saturday - he said my body language was different and he felt it and the new guy felt it. and he said he gets in panic because of his own fears... and that he's just afraid to lose me but knows he will be all right no matter what. he told me he's "past the point of no return" with me hahaha and his feelings. and i told him it was okay and i do my best to take my inventory and that i was sorry he felt that way and i want him always to feel safe with me. he told me he is scared of me in the best way and i said me too. and we held eachother under the moon sitting in the grass getting wet. laid down for awhile. and then we stood up and held eachother and he said -" i am full to bursting, bursting at the seams, with good feelings about you. ... and i say that but i mean things i'm still too afraid to say. " and i told him i know - that the words don't really matter - that he can say whatever he wants to say - but the feelings are real and they are the same no matter what we call them. and i think it was special to him. i know he wants to tell me he loves me. he's just scared. and that's okay.

and we went back and made sweet sexy love and held each other.
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SO much love oh so much love. In my saner moments I'm so glad we haven't said it yet. We will build up to there but it's so magical building up to it. Although Ken said he regretted not telling his ex he loved her. That's some negative shit right there though.

He says love bug
Bye love
Come here love
Come and love me when referencing cuddles

I wonder intensely curious whether he thinks about saying it during those moments he is gazing into my face into my eyes. I wonder what he is thinking.

Goddamn he's so good looking though. Fuck I could not find him a single bit more attractive most of the time. His body and his smile and his eyes and his face and his haircut and his tattoos and his arms and his butt and his legs and oh yeah he got a perfect dick too and it's got FRECKLES on it like a couple beauty moles and he's uncircumcised.

Oh but the love. We were watching stranger things and fucking at the same time today and it was so glorious. The kisses during sex from the side are so good. And he was watching me watching me while I was moaning. With that fucking LOOK on his face when his tongue is in his lower lip and he looks so turned on and it turns ME on.

But the love I feel it sooo strong.
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Last night we slept together but didn't fuck. It was weird and I didn't like it. But while he was holding me bigspoon like he always does. He whispered in my ear 'I have very strong feelings for you' and I said nothing because I was mostly asleep. But he knows I do too. And if not I will tell him again.
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and i forgot. i told him, i told him he makes me feel sparkly feelings in my soft spot, i told him sometimes i feel so full of these feelings i feel physically overwhelmed. and he told me he has strong feelings for me too. and i just love this manboychild.
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wish i knew all the things you said
while we were mostly asleep and you spooning me with your mouth in my ear
your lips on my shoulder
on my back
your face in my hair and your arms wrapped around me .
something about how you care about me
a lot. or something
all sorts of things all night and every hour or so you wrap yourself around me again and bury your face in the curve between my neck and my shoulder.
you call me love bug
you call me sweet thing and give me kisses on my face.
set up these crazy elaborate birthday presents for me . i have videos

when are you going to tell me you love me? but think it's good for me to wait.
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All he wants from me is to open up and invite him into my life and my heart.

in this low voice
looking into my face
laying down on our sides facing eachother in the dark

you are extremely beautiful
your willingness and your actions
and your brain
it's so fast
and you are terribly pretty
and i appreciate every moment i get to spend around you
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sweet sexy weird times with connor. sweet sweet love. the sex is so good. the way he kisses me. the way he says nice things to me. that he's crazy about me.
he got me roses.
introduced me to everyone at his office.
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yesterday we did a double date with deb and rick. baseball game. it was all right. i felt self conscious about what i wore the whole time. connor said something that put me in my head but i held back and didn't pick.
we went and prayed in the woods a little bit before bed and he reminded me that he's crazy about me and i don't need to be nervous around him. god bless this man. he looked so good yesterday.
and then we listened to miguel and had a sweet friendly lovely makeout for awhile, a bunch of songs in the dark, then he made sweet sexy love to me for a few minutes and i let him come inside me. and then he held me spooned me naked on naked with his come oozing out of me and gave me sweet kisses til i fell asleep. he usually puts on underwear before he falls asleep but intentionally wanted to sleep naked on naked last night. and then we had sweaty sex this morning. and then i was laying on my back naked and he was sitting in between my legs and he was just looking at me smiling for about five minuts.

think we are falling in love with each other a little bit. the way he touches me, the way i'm starting to feel safe with him, the way i'm starting to trust him a little, the way he has a program and a sponsor and loves alcoholics anonymous.
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my sweet heart
but he can't make me come
he looks in my eyes while we're having sex. like all the time the whole time. kisses me a lot. pulls me close.
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the most beautiful guy i've ever been with. Paul was so gorgeous to me but in a different way - tall dark handsome - connor has this amazing body and this build and he's tan and i just want to lick him and his abs. and his eyes are dark slate blue on the edges and gold in the middle.
staycation day 1. friday? what did we do friday? sexy sleepover.
staycation day 2. saturday. walked duncan the dog and sexy times. rough sexy times. he started upstairs and grabbed me and looked at me with that face of his, the one where you know it's on, thinking about it makes the heat creep up my legs. that face. i'm going to fuck you. and he hurried me downstairs to the bedroom, pushed me down on the bed and ripped my clothes off, tossed me on my stomach and pulled my hair HARD and choked me at the same time while he fucked me while i was on my stomach. he said you like that don't you. then when he was done he stayed laying on top of me and kissed me and gentled me like you're supposed to after you dom someone. then weird times with my inability to orgasm with him. snapped at him. insecurity. why can't i get that feeling i've gotten with other people when it comes to that? insecurity/fear?? then walked around takoma park and ate sushi. splashed around with the dog in the creek. went to celebration meeting... more sexy times followed.
staycation day 3. sunday. duncan the dog. sexyness. picked up daniel newcomer and he sort of ish crashed our adventure to harpers ferry but it was fine. then we parted ways and went to midtown.
staycation day 4. monday night. came over after my meeting and his mom time. beckoned him to the outdoors and meditate/pray with me. we sat on a towel in a little treed corner of the tiny park by his house, and we meditated and prayed silently and talked in quiet voices. held hands sitting indian style facing eachother. he said, I'm scared of you. later i said, I'm a little scared of you too. sexy times.
staycation day 5. tuesday. what a lovely day. made him breakfast and we wandered down to the building museum in dc and held hands and had sex in a janitor's closet in the museum. he got a smoothie and we went to the botanical gardens.. then we came home, and got dressed up nice. he wore jeans and this semi rumpled dress shirt and oxfords and a black jacket. and i wore this killer lbd that i bought on vacation at f21. we were too busy fooling around and left late so we had to cancel our fancy dinner reservation at carluccio's in alexandria, and we went straight to tyson's and ate a bunch of sushi. and then... i didn't know where we were going you see. he had bought these tickets a couple weeks ago and told me tuesday september 6 we were going to do a fun thing. he was so cute. was bragging to family and friends about it and someone asked him "what's the occasion?" .. and we were driving from sushi to "somewhere" and i saw the blue and yellow striped tent and i said "omg! cirque du soleil is in town....WHAAAT!" and figured it out in that moment. like he dressed me up and took me to fancy dinner and cirque du soleil. it was his first time at a cirque too. it was ridiculously weird - probably the weirdest one i've seen - but i think he enjoyed it a whole lot and i sure did. i was totally blown away and then we came back to his house and had sexy time and then....
staycation day 6. wednesday. i don't know if it's because it was just yesterday but it feels like it was so special. woke up early to make him breakfast again and got in the car and went to shenandoah state park in virginia. went ziplining and it was in a goofy group with Jesus people. it was fun. then we went exploring around the park. ... we waded across the shenandoah river in bare feet and walked through a big field of tall grass and flowers, then down a long bluestone gravel road. and we climbed up a giant hill and had sex right there on the dirt. you could have seen us from the road. in the sunlight and the air. kicked off our shoes hurriedly, shoes strewn in front of a log, and i let him come inside me. we lay there for awhile afterwards, i took a forest nap in his arms and we lay there and looked up into the trees and i captured the moment right there in my mind. eventually we started the long lazy walk back... forded back over the river. we stopped and sat down in the middle of the river and it was raining and we watched the rain on the water and got rained on and let the river flow around us. what a moment in time. so peaceful. we stopped on the opposite shore and i watched him skip rocks for awhile. we made it over to the campground showers and he came into my shower and had that face again. we got all slippery wet in the hot shower and he fucked me while i was bent over and my head and upper body were right in the shower stream and how sexy was that. and then we stumbled out and went and got food. drove home and listened to speaker tapes and then curled up in bed and watched Adaptation. the snuggles were A1. so good. his skin is so smooth and he is such a good snuggler and it was so amazing. he was rubbing my arms and stroking my hair and kissing me on the forehead and everywhere. connor kisses are the sweetest softest kisses in the world. and then when the movie was done we flipped on el ten eleven and fanshawe/my only swerving made for the most glorious pre sex makeout. just dripping into one another, all the feels and all the love. and then of course every time he fucks me it feels amazing but... it was just so sweet and lovey and sexy and good. he went down on me and he was gentle and it felt really good but i faked the orgasm because i didn't want to go down the road of really trying to come. next time i will. and i yanked him up to me and i sure do say his name a lot. and we passed out all tangled up together. shit he is so sexy. and he has such a better personality than i gave him credit for and better than he gives himself credit for. so fucking sweet. i like you and i want you to know that. i had so much fun with you. sitting on a bench outside cirque at intermission and he looked at me from the side and just said you're so beautiful. so many things. i'm honored that you let me see you naked! (i looked like hot shit on friday.)

my head "i'm gonna be the future mrs. burke" because i'm INSANE and he's so good looking. joyce told me to chill in general and i'm going to try.

but just the way we tangle togther, the way his kisses feel, the way the sex is so good, the way you look at me, the way you touch me, the way the little light shines out of your heart.
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