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all love and my insecurities are so insane. love reaching deep into my guts and pulling me out.

lazy sundays
light in your kitchen
your hands on my hips. wrapping around me. kissing my neck and my ear.

he talked to me about his insecurities about sexual performance and dick size. i almost laughed because he has a big dick! and told him about the sex - that of course at first it's crazy and animalistic - and then you get to know eachother - and that i don't just like him because of the sex - i like who he is and the feelings i feel on my insides. it was a good talk.

we went to the halloween dance together. he looked so fucking cute and i love him so much and he is so good to me. earlier in the day we stumbled out of the house and went and walked around teddy roosevelt island. found our way to a log alongside the river and sat next to each other and vibed.

we had sex in the shower today
woke up and touched eachother. i made cookies and
we were kissing and loving in bed for awhile. he said while i was on top of him. light streaming in through the windows and the breeze. you are so beautiful. have i told you that today? i shook my head and he kissed me and told me how beautiful i was on my insides and my face. how he wanted to study all the parts of my face. and how i was beautiful because of the way i treat the people around me and if beauty were measured by the people that love you, that mine would be immeasurable. i clamped up a little because i felt like it was kind of trite and who knows who he has said this to before and i am still trying to tell my head to shut the fuck up. and
we wound up in the shower. and he soaped me from head to foot and kissed me so hard. and i soaped him up back and fingered his ass just a tiny bit. rubbed on his taint. soon i'm going to play with his ass some more he totally loves it. and then he sat on the ground in the shower and bent me over and ate me out while i stroked his cock. it didn't feel especially amazing but the whole situation was just really hot. and then eventually he stood me up and threw me against the shower wall and choked me and fucked me and he said "you're so fucking sexy. did you know you're my favorite fuck toy?" then. "i want you to be ready to catch my come in your mouth. but don't swallow it." so i caught it in my mouth and he looked down said "let me see." i opened my mouth and he just looked at me and then nodded so i was allowed to swallow. it was really hot.

he told me i was different from any other person he had ever met.

and he asked me what i wanted for christmas. that means we're still gonna be together for christmas right? right. he said "i want to spread you over all the parts of my life."

iloveyou and i can't wait to hear you say it because i know you do too.
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ohmygosh connor.
you make me feel soooo.

we had a weird weekend with Katy. i was in supermassive fear so supermassive that he was going to judge me and stop liking me and things were fucked.
and i finally got over to his house last night for our sunday night sleepover and we were alone together for the first time in some days. he was acting weird and had been for the last day. and he had texted me he wanted to meditate.
so my beautiful honey in his baseball cap and his zip up, we went into the field in the park by his house and found the middle and we sat cross legged next to eachother facing this big bright moon. i just looked it up- it was a full moon. and he told me (it was so hard for him to get out) that mike had suggested he talk to me about this. that he was extremely insecure and gets jealous even though he knows it's his own shit and that i didn't do anything wrong but that he got jealous when i was chatting with this new guy after GYP on saturday - he said my body language was different and he felt it and the new guy felt it. and he said he gets in panic because of his own fears... and that he's just afraid to lose me but knows he will be all right no matter what. he told me he's "past the point of no return" with me hahaha and his feelings. and i told him it was okay and i do my best to take my inventory and that i was sorry he felt that way and i want him always to feel safe with me. he told me he is scared of me in the best way and i said me too. and we held eachother under the moon sitting in the grass getting wet. laid down for awhile. and then we stood up and held eachother and he said -" i am full to bursting, bursting at the seams, with good feelings about you. ... and i say that but i mean things i'm still too afraid to say. " and i told him i know - that the words don't really matter - that he can say whatever he wants to say - but the feelings are real and they are the same no matter what we call them. and i think it was special to him. i know he wants to tell me he loves me. he's just scared. and that's okay.

and we went back and made sweet sexy love and held each other.
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SO much love oh so much love. In my saner moments I'm so glad we haven't said it yet. We will build up to there but it's so magical building up to it. Although Ken said he regretted not telling his ex he loved her. That's some negative shit right there though.

He says love bug
Bye love
Come here love
Come and love me when referencing cuddles

I wonder intensely curious whether he thinks about saying it during those moments he is gazing into my face into my eyes. I wonder what he is thinking.

Goddamn he's so good looking though. Fuck I could not find him a single bit more attractive most of the time. His body and his smile and his eyes and his face and his haircut and his tattoos and his arms and his butt and his legs and oh yeah he got a perfect dick too and it's got FRECKLES on it like a couple beauty moles and he's uncircumcised.

Oh but the love. We were watching stranger things and fucking at the same time today and it was so glorious. The kisses during sex from the side are so good. And he was watching me watching me while I was moaning. With that fucking LOOK on his face when his tongue is in his lower lip and he looks so turned on and it turns ME on.

But the love I feel it sooo strong.
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Last night we slept together but didn't fuck. It was weird and I didn't like it. But while he was holding me bigspoon like he always does. He whispered in my ear 'I have very strong feelings for you' and I said nothing because I was mostly asleep. But he knows I do too. And if not I will tell him again.
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and i forgot. i told him, i told him he makes me feel sparkly feelings in my soft spot, i told him sometimes i feel so full of these feelings i feel physically overwhelmed. and he told me he has strong feelings for me too. and i just love this manboychild.
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wish i knew all the things you said
while we were mostly asleep and you spooning me with your mouth in my ear
your lips on my shoulder
on my back
your face in my hair and your arms wrapped around me .
something about how you care about me
a lot. or something
all sorts of things all night and every hour or so you wrap yourself around me again and bury your face in the curve between my neck and my shoulder.
you call me love bug
you call me sweet thing and give me kisses on my face.
set up these crazy elaborate birthday presents for me . i have videos

when are you going to tell me you love me? but think it's good for me to wait.
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All he wants from me is to open up and invite him into my life and my heart.

in this low voice
looking into my face
laying down on our sides facing eachother in the dark

you are extremely beautiful
your willingness and your actions
and your brain
it's so fast
and you are terribly pretty
and i appreciate every moment i get to spend around you
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sweet sexy weird times with connor. sweet sweet love. the sex is so good. the way he kisses me. the way he says nice things to me. that he's crazy about me.
he got me roses.
introduced me to everyone at his office.
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yesterday we did a double date with deb and rick. baseball game. it was all right. i felt self conscious about what i wore the whole time. connor said something that put me in my head but i held back and didn't pick.
we went and prayed in the woods a little bit before bed and he reminded me that he's crazy about me and i don't need to be nervous around him. god bless this man. he looked so good yesterday.
and then we listened to miguel and had a sweet friendly lovely makeout for awhile, a bunch of songs in the dark, then he made sweet sexy love to me for a few minutes and i let him come inside me. and then he held me spooned me naked on naked with his come oozing out of me and gave me sweet kisses til i fell asleep. he usually puts on underwear before he falls asleep but intentionally wanted to sleep naked on naked last night. and then we had sweaty sex this morning. and then i was laying on my back naked and he was sitting in between my legs and he was just looking at me smiling for about five minuts.

think we are falling in love with each other a little bit. the way he touches me, the way i'm starting to feel safe with him, the way i'm starting to trust him a little, the way he has a program and a sponsor and loves alcoholics anonymous.
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my sweet heart
but he can't make me come
he looks in my eyes while we're having sex. like all the time the whole time. kisses me a lot. pulls me close.
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